Yule tide logged

This Christmas is going to be one that will go down in history. I'll be the Grinch that stole Christmas... Penny Pinchin' Patty.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I won't be doing much of a materialistic celebration for the holidays...lucky me that my birthday falls in between also (did you hear the bah humbug that I just rattled off my lips?).

A few months ago I was advised of a salary less month due to changes...its what it all boils down too. When you're backed into a corner you have no choice but to accept that change. The economy isn't quite accommodating for me to run anywhere else so I have to conform to the changes.

Had me a bit frustrated. But rather than chew on bitterness about the matter, I've decided to cut back and make a rather economically acceptable Christmas season and burned my birthday list.

Opposed to the video games and clothes, and money that my son has gotten in the past, this year he will be getting one memorable gift that will be under $50...yes folks those gifts still exist. He's a pre-teen. One has fallen in love with the idea of having his own cologne & trinkets fit for a man. So I'll be getting him a gift set from one of his favorite artists. You know they're all into making money from all angles. First on the list is Usher's new cologne fragrance, then its Jay-Z's. I'm even considering going traditional and get him something light weight and go Calvin Klein.

My nieces are simple. One adores books...border's gift card, one adores the mall....an American express gift card will make her one happy elf, but they'd all no more than $50. The babies in the family will get that new V-Tech game that allows them to play. Or maybe that story book with my voice as a recording. Whatever it is it'd be $50 or below.

Why only the children? I have this concept that its really about the children, so my mom and the remaining adults will get an I.O.U. neatly wrapped as well lol. Hey...gotta keep the Christmas cheer ;)

My budget is set. Six different gifts costing no more than $50. They're lucky I even HAVE a budget.

Do you budget what the amount you spend on gifts for Christmas? Or are you happy go lucky spender?

What are your ideas on gifts for the little ones?

Short and sweet ... just "Precious"

This morning I woke and stressed about the LSAT's. I think I'm panicking myself into a a corner. As time drawers closer, I'm over concerned as to the outcome. I'm filling my mind with 'what ifs' and 'no ways' ... excessively. I'm trying to control my pragmatic nature as best as I could, but I need to try a bit harder.

After a fire hydrant exploded behind my eyelids and I sprayed tears from being overwhelmed, my sister invited me to the movies. My niece has been nagging us to see the movie "Precious" and today we had out girls movie date.



At first I felt like I was sitting at a banquet table and was forced to everything all at once. Seeing everything sometimes makes you feel instantly full, nauseous, queasy ... I think I was sweating at one point. I even felt uncomfortable.

But after 20 minutes into the unpleasant events that glues the plot together, I loosened my grip and felt my fire hydrant well up again. I think I was speechless throughout the movie. Not that it was bad or had poor acting. I finally had it hit me that the plot was possibly someone's real life reality. A reality that I have been estranged from. So estranged that I sat in disbelief that all of that could have happened to one individual. But I believed it has.

The protagonist 'Precious' had my heart. I thought about the morning I had and the fear that built up in me about my frustration with the LSAT and concerns for my own future, I understood that nothing should ever be taken so seriously...nothing that doesn't compare to what someone else, like 'Precious', could be going through.

The brick wall that I had built up against the movie in the beginning crumbled and with it crumbled my frustration. I am going to keep 'Precious' in mind and give it my best and let everything go as it should.

The movie was graphically inspiring. ..see it; let it move you past scoffing it and let the content of it help you find your heart.

They are precious in His sight ...

Proverbs 22:6: Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Some of you may not be readers of the bible (I am), some of you may not be spiritually moved (I am)...but I am pretty sure that many of us, collectively, bible readers or not are believers that we are to protect our children and provide them with the knowledge they need to face the world that's ahead of them outside of our homes.

This morning I, along with Terryl Ebony, had a gang awareness workshop with the youths of the Misunderstood Youth Development Center (MYDC). It was a workshop that Terryl and I coordinated and worked on for the past few months and today was its unveiling. We didn't imagine how it would go. Would our teens and pre-teens get the message? Would they be bored? Would they even care? Well, their participation and enthusiasm for wanting to know more answered the questions in our minds.

Not only were our questions answered, our anticipation of having just a handful of kids went well over 30. I was pleased that so many of them came out. Terryl and I both felt accomplished.

Our guest speakers engaged the youths with the background of their experiences. They defined to them what gangs were and what being in one entails. They defined peer pressure and had activities which allowed the kids to participate. And they did so with no hesitation. We had some moments where voices were climbing over each other and fighting for a spotlight...with kids, that was just about the normal thing for the duration of the program. What wasn't normal, for me, was the vast knowledge some of them already had with experiencing the lifestyle.

It saddened me. I gasped out loud when I saw the amount of hands that went up, when asked who was ever approached by a gang member. I felt like I was in a strange world. Is it that I've so protected myself and my son from it that I forgot to look back on the outside world? Or is it that I'm totally oblivious to the fact that our babies are still being targeted? So, not only did our youths learn something today, I too learned the seriousness of its existence.

Albeit an intense topic, our children were willing to be open and share what was on their minds about it. There were one or two I wanted to hug and hold them until they were 28 years old. Old enough to be in the world. Old enough to have their own identity without the barrels of peer pressure jammed in their temples as a threat to their survival. I felt helpless. Found myself praying for them and their mothers. Asking God to keep them safe. Its the reason I opened this blog with a verse from the scriptures.

The children were so enthused that our program went over its allotted time. They didn't even eat. Their bagels and muffins went cold. But they didn't care. The discussions from our guest speakers kept their bellies filled.

If I didn't tell you before, I am telling you now, take the time to spend some time with a pre-teen or teen. Volunteer your time to helping yours and others. We are to protect them. We are to change our ways for them.

I want to thank Terryl for developing MYDC for our children and for allowing me to be a part of it.

We have our roles in life to play and we need to play it well. Our children depends on it

Before the pursuit of happiness...pause

We only live once. I never truly understood that saying. Don’t we wake everyday with the opportunity to live again? So why is it said that we only live once? As far as I'm concerned I've lived for 32 years and well...that's more than once. I tell you, my psychological mind goes off on its own tangent and turns the simplest saying into something way beyond its meaning. Yet we live in a society that promotes and urges you to go after your dreams. I am one of those promoters. But how passionate are you about your dreams, that anything goes, just so it can be achieved?



I’m a campaign junkie for motivating one to pursue their dreams, but I won’t tell you to pursue it if there are consequences. So now I ask, are all dreams worth pursuing?

Going off the notion that "we only live once", we tend to want to accomplish all the things in life that we didn't get the chance to accomplish. Most cases this is the scenarios due to having a baby, getting married and living that family life. A few years later we resume...once the kids are old enough to fry an egg...and we get back on track. I'm the poster child for that scenario. However, on that path we are faced with decisions that put us under pressure. Do we follow the dream that is burning within us, or do we forfeit that dream for our children/family? Consequences are listed a mile long, and we are confronted with once again putting ourselves aside.
Isn't that such a battle with the self? But what do we do?

I thought of the movie, "The Pursuit of Happyness", starring Will Smith, and I will admit, I never really liked it. *disclaimer: this is my personal opinion and is not intended to sway anyone from their review of the movie* I watched it and for the life of me couldn't understand why he never truly held down at least a job at McDonald's to support his son, rather than drag him through homelessness, poverty, near starvation and the likes? Where was child services at the time? He was so adamant on pursing his dream that, to me, he was blinded and didn't put his child first.

Now that is the very thought that drives my point of this blog.

We humans are a competitive creatures. We most times want what we want and go to lengths to get them. But do we stop in the midst to ensure that this desire does not conflict with other priorities in life? Priorities such as our children and providing a stable home with necessities for them. Its best to put pen to paper. Lay out your thoughts, map them out and come to the final thought...is it worth it? If it is, be sure that your plans have a safeguard for your children. Ensure they're going to be taken care of, ensure that you'd have at least 4 hours in the day of your time for them.



We, as women, want it all. The titles: wife, mother, career woman, lover, friend, ...you name it we aim for it. However, my message to us all including myself, is that our dreams are placed within us to pursue, but we are to pursue our dreams with caution, clear understanding and consideration of our priorities. WE can achiever anything we set our hearts on, but must do it sensibly.

My dream to go to law school created a conflict as far as my son is concerned. Do i leave him behind with his dad? Or do I leave him with my mom? When I became a mother I signed up for life. Sure pursuing this dream has an end result that benefits him, but can I stomach being away from him for 3 years? 3 years of his high school life? I think not. So I put pen to paper, circumstance to reality and found an outcome that can make us all happy... part time. I'll go to school part time. I have my son, I get to be a part of his high school life and I get to fulfill my dream. With added time, but I'm not in a race against anyone and I dare not rob my son his time with me.

So you see. You can love your passion and make things happen. But if there are others who you need to consider, slow down, pause and be sure. Our dreams are there for us to pursue but we can pursue them that can support everyone involved.

I hope this blog inspires you to reach for the stars, but reach for it with consideration.

Gather together in our own names

Maya Angelou is my favorite poet and author of all time. I've said that repeatedly in interviews, in my home and within my circle of friends. Everyone knows. The title of this blog resembles the title to her book "Gather Together In My Name". Its an autobiography of her life that spoke of womanhood, mother hood and education...educating yourself to rise up and step out of the vices against womanhood, against the struggles of single mother hood...hmmm pretty much the theme for my reading this past Saturday at Hibiscus Day Spa. I selected 16 poems from my collection...with 2 new poems included, to express my confidence in women to be being stronger than they imagine themselves to be. I used the poems to raise awareness to the many challenges we as women face being single mothers, mothers and women in domestic violence and simply women in love with a love that doesn't love them back. We tend to become stagnant, stale and refuse to see what's taking place and we lose ourselves. But we can be redeemed through courage and self awareness and a realization that there's a common ground between us and we can survive. So on Saturday November 7th, these women "Gathered Together In Our Own Names".



My goal was to inspire with my poems and prose and after the reading, the mix and mingling and questioning, proved that they were inspired. I felt accomplished. I truly loved the entire night. Despite the delay due to construction on one of the major streets in Brooklyn that made me do a complete run around my neighborhood just to get to the spa and due to many folks saying that the A train was running rather slugglishly...that's Brooklyn for you. If Jay-Z loves it...hey, why can't I lol!

At the end of the night I had two prizes. One for the 1st guest to arrive (and she arrived before me) and one random giveaway to a woman to pamper her self. My first guest received a Payless Shoes gift card to go get her a pair of pumps or shoes...in honor of The Red Pump Project and the Amped4acure project. Two projects that I am supporting to raise fund for with proceeds from my book sales. The Red Pump Project raises awareness to rising statistics of aids/HIV in women (young and old) and the Amped4acure project raises funds for cancer research through music. Why Payless? They are so active in donating to cancer organizations as well as pamper a woman's feet...PUMPS ANYONE...why NOT Payless? Get a pair of pumps and donate to research. You can visit The Red Pump Project and the Amped4acure projects for more info and see if you too can donate to help their wonderful causes.

The second give away was a gift certificate to have a moment of pampering at Hibiscus Day Spa. We, as women, in all that we endure at times need to take the time to pamper ourselves, recoup and rejuvenate and know that we can overcome and survive anything. It takes courage and confidence and belief in yourself to know that a world and a new life with new beginnings awaits you.



So in closing, I thank Hibiscus Day Spa for inviting me into their calming and welcoming space. For hosting a marvelous evening with wine and cheese and fruits for my guests. I'd like to thank the guests...both male and female...for an engaging 2 hours and for the delicate conversations based on my poetry. I thank EVERYONE for the support and continued confidence in my writing.

A girl couldn't ask for a better evening and I look forward to many more.

I sincerely hope that we are all looking forward to building a new life for ourselves.

The heart of it all

For the past few weeks I've been preparing for my reading tonight at Hibiscus Day Spa. I didn't truly have a structured reading before. Meaning with a theme. I felt like my books were compiled in a theme so I'd already done the bulk of the work. However, in light of breast cancer awareness month & domestic violence month being dedicated to in the month of October, my heart leaned toward a themed reading. In a spa! Whats better than that? I imagined how I'd do it and instantly I lined up 16 poems that would suit the night. The good and the bad...its the essence of life. No?!

So tonight I'm prepared...not by memory but...by purpose to send a message that drives me to be who and how I am.

What you see is ever evolving but you will see nothing less.

I thank everyone who supports me and lok forward to many new faces tonight.

God, guide my path as you desire...pleasing & ever emanating your goodness.

Love Lady Onika. :) (thanks Janine...I sooo love that tag)

When the going gets tough, the tough get going...upward ever

With every post I would reiterate that my blog is geared to empowering single mothers and coupled/married mothers to pursue that dream that's building within them. Along with my see through soul and journey with my writing... all the things I'm doing and aiming to become as a single mom, I decided to seek out other mothers (single or not) who are doing just that, and I've found Terryl DeMendonca... Hope the interview inspires you and gives you the confidence to recognize that you are not alone in the struggles, but can make your dreams come true. Enjoy the interview.

To learn more about Terryl, please visit her at www.misunderstoodyouth.org and www.terrylebony.com



1)Hi Terryl, welcome to my blog. Can you share with my readers a little about yourself?
[Terryl De Mendonca] My name is Terryl Ebony De Mendonca and I am the single mother of a 14 year old young man named Devon. And I have been a single mom for all of his life.


2) What were your expectations of raising a child as a single mother?
[Terryl De Mendonca] From the time I had him at the age of 19, I knew I was young yes, but wanted to grow with him. I knew that it would be challenging but I also knew I was not going to be a statistic. I have had to quit jobs, get fired from jobs which lead me to create my own entrepreneur opportunities so that I could have a steady income. I was very determined to do whatever was necessary to give him a life better than the one I had. I introduced him to activities such as swimming and piano at the age of 5. At the age of 7, he lived in a house and had a backyard to play in. These things and more are all the things that I knew I wanted for my child and no one obstacle would
stand in my way.

3) On your journey as a single mom, what would you say was your happiest of moments thus far?
[Terryl De Mendonca] Every positive step my son takes towards becoming a well rounded young man leaves me overjoyed (each graduation, every new word used in a correct sentence, every defining aspect of his maturation, every time HE sets a goal and achieves it, etc)

4) In adverse, what was or are your worst moment(s)?
[Terryl De Mendonca] There are two. The first would be, the years of seeing the heartbreak in his eyes because he is missing and wanting his father’s love, attention and acceptance. The second would be, when I know he is not living up to his full potential (i.e.: not doing homework, therefore receiving a low mark on his report)


 
5) You’ve mentioned that you ventured into your own entrepreneur ventures. And I understand that you have founded The Misunderstood Youth Development Center. Can you share with my readers what it is all about?
[Terryl De Mendonca] Well, as I mentioned before, my son is a product of a split family. He has been subjected to so many life changes (changes in parental structure, schools, towns, friends, etc.). He didn’t adapt to change very well. He got angry and distant and it started to affect his schoolwork and our relationship. Although he shared a good communicable relationship with his mother, it wasn’t enough. His communication with his father was very minimal. He needed to talk to someone and needed to know that he wasn’t the only child experiencing these things and going through these changes. Devon is my son.

It was when he got suspended from school and his grades dropped drastically that I was at my wits end. The schools wanted to place him in a “special ED” program. His father remained around but mostly inactive and inconsistent so he didn’t understand Devon and the importance of consistency in a child’s life. Every child is different and I found that counseling was able to help Devon put things into perspective. He still has a hard time with change but now he has a better chance of dealing with it with positive results. Devon became more focused and started to improve in school and at home. We also got him involved in different activities which also became a very critical part of his positive behavior. Although he is doing better,everyday is a battle.

Through my experiences, I was able to take a look around and realize that there are so many other children like Devon that are “misunderstood”. Children need encouragement, a neutral voice of reason, a place of comfort and guidance, activities and academic support. After a little research, I realized that counseling and peer group sessions for youth is not easily available or widely known throughout the five boroughs of New York (especially minorities and the underprivileged). So in 2005 I formed The Misunderstood Youth Development Center (MYDC) with a mission to help understand, develop and stimulate the minds of our youth.


6)What is the core purpose of MYDC?
[Terryl De Mendonca] MYDC’s core purpose is to open up the lines of communication for youth, helping them acquire a better understanding of life and people. Therefore, they are able to cope with the various trials and tribulations life often throws their way, positively and productively. MYDC serves youth ages 5-24. Most of these children are exposed to various confusing and difficult life altering experiences. So, we are there to provide the necessary guidance and leadership qualities so they can make positive decisions while succeeding in life as they head to junior high school, high school, college, the work world and family/social life.


7) What positive feedback, from your exeperience, can you share with single mothers, who may be reading my blog, to follow their dreams?
[Terryl De Mendonca] Honestly, I didn't know this was my dream. My dream found me (smile). I had a child who had an issue and I figured that if he had that issue so did others. I didn't feel it was right for kids to feel that uncomfortable expressing themselves and having to bottle it up inside,
then when released it would come out in a very negative way -- which again, is why MYDC was formed. This has become my mission and although fulfilling my dream is still in the making, I am well on my way. I am writing a book called, Losing Love, Having Faith & Finding Hope, with a message to encourage parents. I also have an online radio show, "Living in Reality with Terryl Ebony" to encourage parents and families. The success of all these endeavors will lead to my dreams coming true.

So to all you single mothers out there, the road is often long and bumpy but don't give up. You may have to do some things that you may not want to, to keep your child on course. Don't feel guilty; it's called tough love. They WILL need it! Keep your child in activities that will constantly stimulate their mind and have them surrounded by positive things and people.

As far as your personal dreams and aspirations, DON'T FORGET ABOUT IT! Forgetting your dreams is like giving up on yourself and you simply can't do that. You may have to table it for a while or take it slow depending on your circumstances but your dreams should never be forgotten. You can't make your child happy unless you too are happy. When they see you moving with full force, it will encourage them to do the same. If you give up, how can you teach and tell them to press on. That would be hypocritical.

You should surround yourself with positive people and positive energy. It is very therapeutic for your emotional state, which will lead to your physical state.
DO NOT SETTLE. Settling is not an option. Whatever you want to be, do the research and you start your journey! Don't think it will be an easy road because it won't and at times you may want to give up but you can't. Why? Because giving up is not an option either! You deserve to have your dreams come true just as much as any one else. But you have to put in the work to make it happen.

And last but definitely not least, PRAY ON IT!


8) What encourages you daily?
[Terryl De Mendonca] There are many answers to this question.

1. Seeing how my son mimics my professional ambitions.

2. Knowing that I have the ability to affect positive changes in someone's life.

3. Seeing how many people look to me for inspiration and advice.

4. Knowing that when the kids in my program see me, they smile; they have something to look forward to and someone to look up to.


9) Where do you see yourself 5 -10 years from now?
[Terryl De Mendonca]

1. Right now I hold programs out of school buildings. In those years allotted, I intend to have a building secured for children to and receive the guidance that they don't receive at home or to enhance what they already have.

2. I plan to be a published author and motivational speaker for parents, families and youth.

3. I would like to produce a televised youth program for kids to speak out and be heard.

4. I would like to host or co-host a televised or radio show stemmed from my current online radio show "Living in Reality with Terryl Ebony".

5. Last but not least, a proud parent of a college grad!

10) If given the chance, what would you change in your journey as a single mother?
[Terryl De Mendonca] This is a hard question for me to answer only because sometimes the truth hurts and it's even harder for others to digest. But, anyone who knows me knows that I am a brutally honest person :). So, if I could change anything as a single mother it would be not to allow my son's father to come and go out of my son's life as he saw fit. Although it was told to me years ago, I didn't see it because I figured seeing him sometimes would be better than not seeing him at all. But it was actually the opposite because every time he saw him, he got his hopes up that he would finally stick around and of course that didn't happen. So everyone closely connected to my son had to deal with his disappointment and the way he displayed it. So I now realize that the revolving door parent hurts the child more than the parent that the child never knows. So, his father would have to choose, PERMANENT in or permanently OUT?!?!


11) As a wind down question, as a single mother, what is your ideal dream vacation? :)

[Terryl De Mendonca] Well this is easy, a cruise with the man of my dreams. :)